Or: How to get the feelings of others?
Sharing is probably a need to cover most of us, but the ability to listen is limited to a few individuals. A person with innate listening ability is often a spiritual base, a “belief hotspot” (or something like that) of many people. Meanwhile, many others are not good at listening to someone, and although they have tried hard, they cannot make others believe and share. However, practicing well can help them.
Hopefully this article will help the world have more “good listener” to listen to people like me.
I. Basic principles
– Direct communication is better than talking on the phone, and better than texting or chatting.
– You are a listener, the main thing to do is listen. It’s best to just listen.
– Selecting objects: Only when listening to the people you want to listen to will you be quiet as a good person. (sad but true :))
– Spend your time and attention to them, completely.
– Keep it secret while listening;)
1.Start the story
Usually, there is no way someone will come running to hit you in the face. “Hey, shut up, follow me, and I will tell you something.” Of course, irregularities sometimes happen. However, a surprise appointment, a message from an old acquaintance or an invitation from someone who is experiencing difficulties (which you know well about them) is more common. If you receive such signs, congratulations: it is possible that you have been chosen to be the listener.
During the meeting, a sad look, a vague saying after the polite questioning will make you ask “What’s wrong?” or “What’s wrong?”, and the story begins. This is an open period, remember:
- No rush.
- Feel safe.
- Do not ask or repeat questions.
- Do not change topics or find other things to say.
- Look into their eyes and think in their heads, “What’s the matter, why don’t you tell me? ~”. Your eyes will be sad at an acceptable level.
- If they ask you about your ability to keep secrets, promise. And keep it a secret.
Once they have decided to tell you that they are trusting you, in other words, you emit a great “safe smell”.
2. Listen
If the first stage is smooth (ie without saying a few more idiotic sentences and then charging back), focus on the next stage. This stage is mainstream and lasts throughout the conversation. When they are sharing, please:
- Silent. You can wait for your turn to speak but often you don’t have a turn. The desire to speak or the feeling of wanting to raise your hand “My friend has an opinion” is unavoidable in some parts of the story, try, really try to refrain from wanting to make some comments there. Really, please try.
- Stay focused. And let them know that you are. Look straight into their eyes (avoid staring) as they say, nodding when necessary and humming at some point. However the distraction will come even if you don’t want to, someone walking back and forth or a noise can make you look away. Try to reduce the time and frequency of distractions very low.
- Proper posture. In addition to having to sit so politely, avoid unconscious action (vibration of the thigh, hand beat, rotating cup, …) and also avoid causing noises. A psychological study shows that when you have a posture, acting like an opponent will also help them feel comfortable. So keep your breath or rhythm moving along with the speaker’s rhythm.
- Shape your thoughts Want to do well with the top 3 and other things, update the following possibilities into your brain: + Put yourself in the position of the speaker. + Lower your ego. + Think you want to be a good person and you will be like that. You will know what you need to do and how to do it.
Well, this step is simply sitting still and listening to them.
3. Think
While listening, the story makes you think, and think right. There are the following tips:
- Put yourself in the story, that situation as that person.
- Stay focused, avoid distractions in your eyes.
- Try to remember as much information as possible.
- Do not use personal experience to consider things they tell.
- Don’t care about personal feelings and ignore every time someone in you makes you speak.
- Think for them.
When someone chooses you to share, they must believe that you are a wise person. So be wise.
4. Feedback
The needs of sharers are often heard, but they also want to receive some feedback from you. Here are some guidelines when responding:
- Look at them when answering Just as you hear, you also have to create an eye link with the opponent.
- Repeat important information When responding, repeat the event, name, .. to show that you’ve focused on listening to them.
- Do not rush to give advice Until you feel the need or they give signs to listen to you. Silently look at you for example.
- Don’t judge Please. They come to share with you and certainly do not want to hear any more judgment.
- Limit the use of words “personal”, “me”, “yourself”, .. Before each comment. It makes you look ridiculous when trying to put you in them while they are telling their story and themselves and you didn’t have to go through it.
- Don’t ask for sensitive information. They’ve definitely considered a lot, so they’ll say more when they feel more secure. Don’t put them in an awkward situation.
- Don’t try to be funny To release the air? Thanks, not now.
- Restrictions on personal views Reminder: do not use your experience to comment on their work.
- Use open answers When forced to give an opinion, start with “I think this is not true …”, “I feel … if you don’t see it right then “. You may be wrong, but it will be less annoying for the opponent. They will also be comfortable and relieved to know you have no intention to say that.
- Empathy But don’t pity or regret them. Things have been in the past, help them have more power to face it.
In fact, when someone shares it, the fact that they say it will make them relent. The words you say should only have the same effect or create more links between you and them so they feel safe. Don’t elevate your point of view or expand the problem, it’s not your business.
II. After the story
After finishing the talk, sometimes call, text or see them to ask about old stories. Of course, ask deliberately. This will help them and you a lot, at least they know that they are not alone and that you are not a temporary psychiatrist. When you know their story, keep it a secret. This is probably the principle of survival. Use the story you know to follow and help them to some extent but it’s best not to interfere deeply.
“Mischievous and will say goodness”, 50% of skill is said to be able to listen.