In the times you talked to a friend or spouse, did you really “communicate” with them? I guess you will think “not often.” I certainly did, not only among my friends but also among my patients.

I recently tried to do an experiment. In an effort to improve my listening skills and many therapy sessions, I began to notice all the times I “interrupted” a patient that day. Like most people, I thought too highly of myself and my ability! I will definitely feel that I rarely bother people. Anyway, I’m a therapist. That means I must be a “great” listener.

As you might guess, I interrupted my patient more often than I wanted to admit. One of them may be needed. I think there are some people who tend to be embarrassed when they are “spoken”, and they feel they are interrupting those thoughts that are necessary. But usually not. It is not something bad. Usually I only have a comment about what they say, and I didn’t wait until they “finished”.

But interrupting is not a good thing. The good thing I have, is that I have added “listening” to the conversation and the result is that I have fully grasped the patient’s thoughts. The worst thing was that I didn’t listen to the patients’ opinions. This needs to change.

Listen

People seem to think that listening is passive. It can .. if you do it improperly (most of us). But in the process of seeking to improve my listening skills, I began to see how really positive and difficult listening is. So, I decided to compose a list of 3 ways to become a better “listener”!

1. Pay attention to the content

This seems easier than reality. Most of us are half-hearted compared to what they are saying and often just waiting to answer. But have you tried to focus on that person’s words clearly and fully? It is really difficult, sometimes it makes us tired. But that is essential for the connection between people’s emotions.

2. Note body language signals

Whether you realize it or not, you’re using one of the body language signals. As a therapist, I had to learn to be aware of those signals. For example, a person who is restraining himself is angry but says he is feeling very good. A person’s awareness of body language will often give you clues about their state and mind.

3. Realize how you are feeling when listening?

This is often one of the most difficult. Why? Because it’s really hard to realize how we feel. Just a few days ago, I felt quite grumpy. And I felt uncomfortable with many people, probably because I was so bored with them. Then I was convinced by something. Of course, then I feel calm again. With the cold weather, I realized that I was hungry.

Therefore, speaking must go with listening. I met him all the time in therapy. When someone is sad and worried, I often urge myself to try to “fix” and give a solution to them. Why? At some point, I’m just trying to help them.

But from another perspective, his anxiety and sadness also brought worry and sadness to me. And I’m not aware, it’s hard to tolerate those feelings. So I responded by trying to “fix” their feelings. It is not a great way to answer but almost everyone does it.

So how can we meet the real worry and sadness of someone? To give them the space to express their feelings, they themselves no longer feel really weak and useless. In order not to provide any clear solution. Just to listen. With encouraging words, sympathy, comfort.

This may seem easy, but I guarantee it is NOT. Most people cannot really bear their own worries and they need to “do” something to make it better. If we can learn to listen to our own bodies and how we feel when living with them, then I think we could have lived in a better civilization.